putting it mildly definitely, maybe

is it even today i have no idea.

about a year ago date unremembered, 

was a day that it's memories remain vivid in my mind, they're mine. 

it was the second day, and i didn't feel good.

what happened that day physically, mentally is immaterial, 

i remembered,

i missed my mom. 

maybe it was because she was away for 3 weeks having an exchange in china.

it could have been because i was out in the overused but for recruits, unchartered forest in tekong island. 

these reasons, plausible.

the fact the it was mother's day, compounded with the other two reasons above made it worse.

i missed my mom, badly.

it should have never been the case.

all my life, in the past 19 years that i've lived, i've never had a proper 'celebration' on mother's day for my mom. 

never.

i do not recall getting my mom anything special for this day either.

at most it was a dinner with my maternal family at the ground floor restaurant at marriot.

we've been there a few times, it's always nice catching up.

but what i remember of that place, that 'celebration' was the strawberry cheesecake which i loved, 

not the purpose, not the reason for celebration of the occasion, a happy mother's day.

it's sad the way it is, like this.

i'd have never liked it to be like that if i were in control.

but i guess there's nothing much to be done right now, or rather, 

it's hard to change such stuff, 

such unspoken, unseen barrier between, 

though possible.

call it the asian, the chinese mentality that there is a hierarchy of sort in a family.

parents have the final say and the children listen.

of course, society's undeniably changing, mindsets are changing, 

but subtlety, they remain.

a certain sense of jealousy fills me when in films i see fathers calling their kids buddy.

a much greater level of affection shown there, but not here.

three words, be it i-love-you or i-miss-you, are hard to come by in the family i stay with.

i do not remember saying either at all.

i'll love to bring my mom out for lunch, catch a movie, or just at home. 

just to have some quality time, to tell her some things that my irritable mood after work prevents me to.

maybe one day, but one day it must happen.

definitely, not maybe.

though it's already 30mins since mother's day,

i'd love to tell you this mom, 

I Love You.