and i see ool-orths yet again

and in this land, i get to recall what i did 3 years back.

the things we did, the things we said, the breakfast we had.

ool-orth's just one of them.

it's been a long time coming since anything has been said, with many other commitments and desires being put ahead in the queue. it wasn't easy leaving, alone, to this place which i thought i could handle. well yeah, i'm pretty much fine right now, but it was tough, for one day at least. that was when one day felt like eternity.

when all i wanted and needed was a sense of familiarity, something to keep me connected to the world i left, to tell myself that everything's fine and that things will get better. thank God for internet, facebook, skype, msn, whatever that makes communication so much easier today. dinnering alone wasn't pleasant, though manageable. together with a quick trip to across the road to get a 2L bottle of milk, it did make me smile.

i never saw this coming, all these homesickness and whatever that comes along, i thought i'd be alright. it was so tempting to talk to just anyone on my list, to feel some love, to know that there's somebody out there i know. hah yeah, i was feeling really lonely.

but i'm pretty much fine now, and starting to get into all this that's ahead of me. i couldn't believe the fact that screams at me saying, 'hey, this is for real and this is no shit dude, you're going into university, you're going to be here for long. this ain't a holiday, you're here to stay.'

though now i do.

this is a rather big step for me, just done with my service to the nation, straight into uni. i don't even have the luxury of time to make use of my pink ic, or to reflect on how it has been in the last couple years of my life. Mr T didn't wait for me, he just dragged me along. whatever i couldn't hold onto tightly were left behind. whatever i could, i hold dear. 

i will get through this, albeit being lame, really. i don't hold my 11b anymore, or for sure by now, i'll be scanned, or maybe in line for surgery. it's worrying this time i'm afraid. but i'll get through this, with you. 

with these my smile will last

It's been some time since i was last able to have a breather. it's nice to lie on my bed not just before bed time, just to reflect on the day, getting all comfortable and know that i am home. though tired, i know that time's on my side, for a while at least.

This break from work is nice, but it will end some day. it's not as if i do not know when this day will be, i do. i have to report back to work for the whole of january before things can come to a close, finally.

It has been boring, pretty tough on the mind. especially when things didn't really turn out the way i wanted them to over the course of the past 2 years. it has been frustrating, but the days come and go, and now, it's ending. i tried time and again to change the way things were, only to find disappointment a stranger i had to make friends with. i had to, to smile, to get on with it. he came so often that if a visit to the doctor's didn't end with him around, it'd be weird, although i'd leave with my spirit lifted, and in disbelief.

But time passed anyhow, and i'm here typing this. a deserving break i tell myself. i didn't even foresee how good this would feel. the joy of another chapter of my life is coming to an end, the relief of walking away from work, saying 'goodbye, thank you for the year or so, i'm leaving now'. i never really got involved in work other than my physical presence, i didn't see the need to anyway. i get to work each day looking forward to the end of it. it isin't the best of attitudes i know, but please try to understand. although i still have the same end point in mind, i'm happier each day. not because the day is nearing, but i guess i'm learning. learning to just get on with life, to get along with others, the sun will still set and rise soon after, no?

I hope you could feel the joy inside me, though you probably can't. but it's alright,
i'll dance here on my own :)


Time is running out and i'm starting to get scared really. there's so many of you whom i'd like to talk to, i wish i could chain time right here right now, i do.

but let's just get out into the sun, have some fun, and smile...

going pretty down kings cross street

as much as i've thought about it, it never is the way it'll be.

the things i thought i had well mentally prepared for, thinking through the moment, thinking about exactly how it'll look, and feel, i won't be prepared for it i'm pretty sure.

the way i ensure i cleared the cookie dough and a slab of salmon, the way the windows closed on me, the way things looked at the end of it.

settled, peaceful and still,

i'll be leaving someday.

my childhood's crayola crayons colour code cancelled

A poem by Saroja Subbiah :

Dear White Fella
When I am born I am black
When I grow up I am black
When I am sick I'm black
When I go out in a sun I'm black
When I git cold I'm black
When I git scared I'm black
And when I die I'm still black.

But you white fella
When you're born you're pink
When you grow up you're white
When you git sick you're green
When you go out ina sun you go red
When you git cold you go blue
When you git scared you're yellow
And when you die you're grey

It was circulated among the Maori stall in a New Zealand government office btw.

Funny, no?

Oh, may I add, that when you are feeling well, you too are in the pink, of health.

you get under the bright sun to find yourself getting darker

welcome to the real world she said to me, now that i'm twenty, a little less than 4 months away from the next chapter of my life. twenty is just a number to me really, nothing much has changed overnight. i'm loving my time with my friends, my family and myself. with some music plugged in, fittingly fitting my mood of each time, making me feel that everything's alright. if it ain't, everything will be alright. it hard to have such beliefs this day, with expectations coming from everywhere. parents and good grades, officers and neat uniform, short hair, society and a printed certification, your dog and a walk, me, myself and i.

i haven't had a chance to talk to my mom till just now. it has been a long time coming. i think i mentioned earlier the want to spend some time out with her, talking about life over coffee or tea, milo or ribena. maybe not now, when i'm still having a little reluctance and difficulty, expressing myself to my family. they love to tell you, stay inside the lines. it was a pleasant first step towards that.

the initial reason why we sat down to talk after dinner was with regards to my university education after army. there wasn't much pressure on me, to do what they want me to do, to do well, to do what they think will be good for me in future. nope, nothing of that sort. my parents didn't get me down to plot it out in black and white. just seeking some assurance from me that my interest is there that's all. isin't that what people say what's life's all about? doing what you like, doing what you love, following your passion. not many people do though, not many people allow themselves, allow their kids to do so.

if only things could be like that really, everyone would be happy doing what they like, no?

it led from one thing to another. my brother's doing good pursuing his tertiary education, but he had a past that made my mom fight back tears at the mere mention of certain events. in their memories, tiny tragedies have occured. but it is the past now and we've gotten through it. his maturity, which i doubted before he left, proved me wrong. writing back through emails with love, he never fails to bring a smile to my face, believing once again that all is well.

all of our parents, they're getting older, i hope we don't disappoint them, my brother and i. mummy mentioned that when we were kids my brother always wanted to build a house, and for me, a doctor. although i don't really remember such dreams of mine, what came to mind just now was my plastic white box of medical kit, checking out the health of my stuffed toys. it was fun, as a kid. no inhibitions, nothing to stop you from being what you want to be.

when people say you can't, it's just a lie you got to rise above.

i'm excited for what the future holds,
for all it's uncertainties, for all it's opportunities.
for all the love i've yet to show, i want to shower them on you.

in time to come,
you will know what all this time was for.

and so he turned 20, on their 25th, on the 17th.

A week has passed and things still feel the same. It wasn't as if I was expecting much to change anyway.

Venturing into the twenties.

Nothing much has changed thus far, i'm still pretty much the same me. The same me that you've known yesterday. Twenty's just a number, or so they say. I was wondering to myself before that day on the 17th, what was to be expected of me; maturity, a better financial mind, a mind's that knows what i'm going to do for further studies and maybe, better jokes. Expectations of society, expectations of this world we are supposed to meet, expectations of this world so many of us try to fulfil. Only to find you losing yourself in the end.

There's 'Little Me' within, just like the Little Archie stories within Archie's comics. He's not going away, he's not growing any older either. He's still a kid, who might be stubborn when it comes to certain things, but enjoys the little things in life. The little things in life, that brings a pure smile and true happiness from within. He remains the way he is.

He hasn't had enough of innocence.

let's go eat hor fun for fun :)

hee hee